Personal Take: Through It, Not Out of It.

I have always enjoyed sports. However, I distinctly remember my first year of high school and how difficult it was to be on a team. The workouts seemed unbelievably difficult and having missed summer training due to a move, I felt way behind everyone. My coach saw potential in me and made me practice with the varsity group right off the bat. It was exhausting! I soon became very clever in finding ways to get out of workouts. I tried every excuse in the book: shin splints, backache, dizziness, ‘I think I’m going to pass out,’ dehydration, side aches, etc.  For the most part, I really was able to get out of the hardest workouts.

However, the following year was different. I learned that success was fun and I started to push myself through workouts so that I could have more of it. I even started doing extra at home. By my senior year, I held several records and had won a couple awards. It was amazing how much my high school career, and overall outlook on life, changed when I decided to get through the workouts, not get out of the workouts.

Last week was rough. A family friend passed away suddenly, money was tight, and I was behind in getting ready for classes. To top it off, when I walked in to work on Wednesday, I saw my little brother, once a missionary himself until he returned home early due to Anxiety and Depression and began to lose his testimony, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other.

I tried to focus on doing my job that day, but it was rough. My mind just kept playing pack the painful scenes from the past few days. Anxiety made me feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. Depression crept up on me and I could not function. I needed to run away and curl up in my bed and stay there until I got a hold of myself.  I was close to walking up to my boss and begging him to let me go home early because I was too “sick” to keep working. Then, I remembered my high schools sports experience. I decided to get through my shift at work, not out of it. I picked a physical point in the store and told myself that once I walked past that display, I would pull myself into a slightly better attitude. It took work. But, I finished the shift, and it was actually a good one in the end. After work, I went out with friends and had an amazing night. Had I gone home, I would have missed out on all of that.

Sometimes, our entire day depends on the decision we make in one short, critical moment. As hard as it can be, there are great blessings in store when we consciously make an effort to get ourselves through the hard times, not out of them. Life should be about pressing, not escaping. 

Inspirational People: Josh Wilson

I have been greatly inspired by a Christian Pop singer named Josh Wilson. Both in speaking and in song lyrics, Josh Wilson is very open with his battle with Anxiety. The song below was written specifically about what he felt like going through Panic Attacks.

                                       Carry Me: Josh Wilson (Live Acoustic Version)

The following story comes directly from www.joshwilsonmusic.com:

"I’m wide-awake in the middle of the night, scared to death. God, would you make this stop?

A guy with chart-topping hits, an industry award for Songwriter/Artist of the Year, and critical recognition as “the future of Christian pop”—all well before age 30—should be walking around feeling lighter than air, right? A strong faith and a healthy marriage are even higher in that mix. So no one was more surprised than Josh Wilson when he had a serious panic attack last year.

“My strange symptoms culminated in severe chest and shoulder pain, difficulty breathing, and almost passing out,” he explains. “My wife took me to the emergency room because we thought I was having a heart attack.”

After several tests a doctor confirmed what had happened, and Josh went home thinking the out-of-nowhere anxiety rush was a weird one-time event. But it wasn’t, and the melodious storyteller was soon waking up frantic in the dark, even canceling performances for fear of losing control. Reconciling these unexpected shades of emotion with his long held beliefs has come to define Wilson’s intentionally joyful, duly heart-touching new album, Carry Me.

“Philippians 4 says, ‘Do not be anxious about anything . . . the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.’ I prayed for that and each day would say, ‘God, I can’t make it without you. I literally can’t breathe without you. I need you to carry me.’ And He did carry me, and He still does. He carried me through each day even before I experienced the anxiety, but I just didn’t realize it. It took these difficult moments for me to realize how much I need Jesus.”

That theme of divine support—heaven’s light seeing us through earth’s dark valleys—brightens every corner of Carry Me, from its opening universal anthem to the quiet introspective finale. And the artist’s insight first found on previous No. 1s “Savior Please” and “Before the Morning” matures in ways that early fans predicted it would.

Produced by Matt Bronleewe (Chris Tomlin), the eleven-song set stands out sonically for its heightened rhythmic contributions from drummer/programmer Jeremy Lutito (Leagues) and bassist Tony Lucido (Kelly Clarkson), coupled with the addition of strings and woodwinds to Josh’s friendly, assuring voice and often noted, acoustic-based multi-instrumentation. Folk-flavored guitars meet punchier production right off the bat with “Pushing Back the Dark,” a beaming reminder to Christians that, no matter how stormy we may feel inside, there is a bright hope within each of us: Let your light so shine / Don’t underestimate the God you follow.

The title track is equally uplifting and empowering despite its dark night of the soul confessions. Giving a clear account of his recent burden, Wilson finds blessings in the brokenness of anxiety. “You feel like you’re dying, like this is the end. You simply have to cry out in desperation,” he says. “I don’t like that feeling, but it can be a good thing. For any time I may have given lip service to Jesus in the past, this was very hands on—a really good wake-up call.”

To that point, the especially pop-driven and radio-ready “Faith Is Not a Feeling” has Josh admitting, We all know emotions ebb and flow / Some days I gotta trust what I already know / Even on my darkest days I’m gonna keep believing. “We get so caught up in feelings and let them dictate our life,” Wilson says of the bouncy song that he hopes listeners will want to put on when they drive or exercise. “But on days I don’t feel faith, it doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. I look back on my life and don’t rely on the moment.”

Further in, Carry Me faithfully celebrates the gift of life itself and what a precious thing it is to receive another day, to encounter friends, and sometimes get a glimpse of God’s bigger picture. Written after a near plane crash when a bird-strike caused fire in the engine, “Wake Me Up” is what Josh calls “the prayer for my life and this album.” Reminded by the emergency landing to live as if each day were his last, Wilson asks God to light up my heart / do whatever it takes to wake me up. Similarly, the stirring “Let There Be Light,” connects creation to now when it begs: Chase out the shadows and kick down the doors / I’ve finally decided to let the light in.

Already a crowd favorite, “I See God in You” lets in plenty of light. A James Taylor-like meditation upon the lives of Josh’s widowed 94-year-old neighbor and a special needs child he met at a concert, this gentle piece reflects on circumstances that could read as cloudy but rather shine in light of God’s grace. “That’s a true story. The ‘Lilly Grace’ I mention lives next door, and visiting with her is so inspiring,” he says. “Her Bible is so worn—she has read through it every year since 1968. I just sit and listen, and I see God in her eyes. The second verse is about a boy with Down syndrome that I met while touring with Steven Curtis Chapman. It was my joy to sing for him that night.

The impact of the track actually carries over to “Grace Enough for You,” another real-life report that took shape after a woman heard Wilson sing a first draft of “I See God in You” live. Josh remembers, “She said, ‘You need to put that on your record. My grandmother just died at 94, I have a special needs child, and I don’t feel like I’m doing things right.’ I asked her if she had heard all this Jesus stuff before, and she hadn’t. I got to share the gospel right then.”

Carry Me finishes with the jubilantly philosophic “Symphony,” two diverse tributes to love (the playful “What a Mystery” and poetic, romantic “One Safe Soul”), and the beautifully written and arranged “What I See Now.”

The latter is Josh Wilson’s masterpiece thus far, a personal remembrance of being a childhood outcast, a lonely college graduate, and now a 29-year-old who still feels like a boy sometimes, needing to be carried. Singing softly over guitar, flute, marching drums, strings, and xylophones, he looks back and ahead knowing Christ is our constant and will do the heavy lifting.

Every time I have those fears I think of me in twenty years /Telling me “You’ll be just fine / Just keep on walking toward the light.” "

Tackling the 'Iceberg'

In the spirit of my last post where I mentioned the movie “The Titanic” I was thinking a lot today about something that all missionaries are encouraged to become experts on: Finding the Iceberg. (Preach My Gospel, Pg. 127) This means that sometimes we think we have found the doubts, needs, or worries of a person we are teaching, but really there is a lot under the surface that we have not gotten to yet.

I remember a family that my companion and I were teaching.  The couple needed to get married in order to be Baptized.  Because of the culture where I served, they referred to each other as “husband and wife” even though they were not legally married.  The “wife” had willingly accepted Baptism, but could not do it if her “husband” would not agree to marry her.  The husband was wary about marriage. So, we spent several days just teaching about the Law of Chastity, Eternal Families, and the Plan of Salvation. He still did not budge. After many inspired questions, we discovered his “iceberg.” We thought would not marry her simply because he did not want to, but we learned that he would not marry her because he did not believe in the Book of Mormon and did not want his “wife” to be Baptized in a Church he did not believe in. When we taught him about the Church and the Book of Mormon, he accepted the challenge to get married and was even Baptized with his wife. What seemed to be a doubt about marriage, turned out to be something a lot deeper, but very easy to fix.

 This experience helped me learn that I could help keep my Anxiety under control by asking myself inspired questions and finding the iceberg beneath my own worries.  It frustrates me when people confuse suffering from Anxiety with “being stressed out.”  I hate having a Panic Attack and having people say “Chill out” “Don’t stress” or simply “relax.”  Anxiety is medical condition. It means that Serotonin levels in the brain are low. I have had panic attacks in completely relaxing situations. But, stress has a huge impact on Anxiety, and if we can keep worries and stress under control, Anxiety becomes much more bearable.

I often find that I am nervous or stressed or worried and not even sure why. So, I try to walk myself through it. Recently, I was feeling very anxious as I got ready for work one morning. I have worked with money for a long time and it can be stressful at times—no one wants to screw up when it comes to handling other people’s money!  Although I have done this job for several years and never been written up for being off on my till, I felt myself shaking while going to work. The mental conversation I had with myself provides a good model for how to reduce worry by finding your “iceberg.”

“Okay, I am scared to go to work. What could really go wrong at work? I work at a secure place and there are constantly other people around, so it is not very likely for me to be in danger. I must be worried that I will do something wrong. What’s the worst thing that I could do? Probably be off on my till at the end of my shift. So, what if I am? What will happen? Well, no action is taken unless I am more than ten dollars off. I have never been more than a dollar off before, so I probably won’t now. But what is the worst that can happen if I am more than ten dollars off? Well, the first time, all you get is a warning. No big deal. After that, it is a write up. Still no big deal. If it happens six times within six months, I would be fired. That probably won’t happen. But what if it does? Well, after the first few times I would probably get the hint that I am not good at cashiering and I would put in my two weeks notice. If I did that, or even if I did get fired, I still have another job. I am not going to die of hunger. Everything should be okay.”

When we really dig deep and dissect our fears, we usually find that they are not based on anything rational at all. Once we go deep enough into our own personal “Icebergs,” we find the basis of our feelings, making it easier for us to control them, and not be controlled by them.  

Pressing Forward: My Heart Will Go On

“ Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31:20; The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ.”

One of the best but scariest moments of my life was standing in the Missionary Training Center and singing, for the first time as a missionary, the classic Hymn “Called to Serve.” The Chorus really hit me hard:

“Onward, ever onward, as we glory in his name.

Onward, ever onward, as we glory in His name.

FORWARD, PRESSING FORWARD,

As a triumph song we sing.

 GOD OUR STRENGTH WILL BE,

PRESS FORWARD, EVER,

Called to serve our king.”

There’s a difference between going forward and pressing forward. Press means resistance. It means we are up against some sort of force. It means we need to be strong. This could not be more applicable for people who struggle with Mental Illnesses or Emotional Difficulties.  We can do just as much as anyone else on this planet, but it takes more effort on our part. It takes dedication and diligence. It means never giving up.

Now, I have never been a big fan of chic-flics. I am the kind of kid that admittedly cried like a baby in, Forever Strong , but did not shed a single tear in The Notebook. When some of my female friends forced me to watch the Titanic, the only part I really enjoyed was the last thirty minutes when I could see things falling down and being broken and flooded. However, I am secretly a huge fan of the song “My heart will go on.”  I love the imagery behind the words “You are here in my heart and my heart will go on.”

A broken-hearted girl makes the brave decision of moving on and living her life and loving once more. She keeps her first love in her heart, but she lets her heart go on.

We all have something that could keep us from moving on. Maybe it is in our heart. Maybe it is in our past. Maybe it is in our blood. Maybe it is in our head. Maybe it is in our lungs or our stomach.  Whatever or wherever it is, it is most likely out of our control. But, that does not mean it has to control us. It should not hold us back. Something may be in our heart/blood/head/life, but we can still go on. 

Joy Journal

My Senior of High School, I was feeling the typical anxiety that many teenagers feel as they prepare for the “real world” and enter the first months of the “Decade of Decisions” along with the depressing realization that Graduation could mean a lot of goodbyes.  It was a fun but stressful and scary time.  I remember a Sunday school lesson about Joy.  We had a guest speaker that has endured many things and is a great example of having joy. She talked about writing down things that make us happy. After this lesson, I started my own “Joy Journal,” which later became a useful tool for “pressing forward” when I began to struggle with Depression and Anxiety.

I strongly agree with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who described depression as “an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!”

However, I do believe that there are methods of bringing about happy feelings by remembering happy things and thus making it easier to keep moving forward. The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, teaches us that “the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. (1 Nephi 1:20).”

My challenge to everyone, especially those with mental or emotional difficulties, is to notice the

tender mercies of the Lord, write them down in your Joy Journal daily, and read them whenever you need a boost.  There are some hard moments when I need to read it, other hard times when I need to force myself to write in it, or happy moments when I want to be even happier.  My joy journal is filled with quotes, scriptures, ideas, tender mercies, and small and simple things that make me feel happy. For example:

“My best friend and I alone beat a team of all of his roommates in a volleyball game!”

“’Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.’ – Anonymous”

“The click sound of running spikes on a track.”

“How fun it is at work when someone’s change is 41 cents and I quickly grab one of each coin.”

“Everyone laughed at the joke I made in my speech.”                               

“Doctrine and Covenants 6:36—‘Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not. Fear not.’”

“I dropped my books today and three people came running to pick them up.”

“I hit seven green lights in a row and got to work on time even though I was running late!”

“My nephew came and sat on my lap and told me he loves me.”

“’The world is round, and the place which seems like the end may also be the beginning’—Ivy Baker”

“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow. –J”

“Coach texted me to congratulate me on setting the new record.”

These may seem like small things, and perhaps I am the only person in the world that thinks that giving 41 cents to a customer is fun or that three people helping to pick up books is even worth writing down. But, the thing is that no one else can make you feel happy. Only YOU can make you feel happy. So figure out what helps you make you happy, write down every small thing or tender mercy that comes your way, and read about them whenever you need it.  As you do, you will better recognize the hand of the Lord in your life, become more grateful, relieve stress, focus on what matters most, and be more able to press forward through the hard times. Whether you write things in a little notebook (this is what I recommend most) or keep a document on your smartphone, take your Joy Journal with you everywhere you go and you will always have a go-to when you need a pick-me-up!